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First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation--to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don't like. Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified.

To make sure the message we sent is the message that's received, ask the listener to reflect it back.

We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves:

Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes intended to manipulate the behavior of others. NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration. We state (1) the action that has contributed to our well-being, (2) the particular need of ours that has been fulfilled, and (3) the feelings of pleasure engendered as a result.

In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by: Words such as that, like, as if: "I feel that you should know better." "I feel like a failure." "I feel as if I'm living with a wall." The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it: "I feel I am constantly on call." "I feel it is useless." Names or nouns referring to people: "I feel Amy has been pretty responsible." "I feel my boss is being manipulative." Distinguish feelings from thoughts.

Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.

We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don't comply.

One way to determine that someone is actually listening is to have that person reflect back what had been said: we ask the person to take an action that we ourselves can see or hear. If the other party can tell us what was just said, we know that person heard and was indeed listening to us.

To tell if it's a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. Let's look at two variations of a situation. Jack says to his friend Jane, "I'm lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me." Is that a request or a demand? The answer is that we don't know until we observe how Jack treats Jane if she doesn't comply. Suppose she replies, "Jack, I'm really tired. If you'd like some company, how about finding someone else to be with you this evening?" If Jack then remarks, "How typical of you to be so selfish!" his request was in fact a demand. Instead of empathizing with her need to rest, he has blamed her. It's a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

In NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are.

A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, "I feel I didn't get a fair deal," the words I feel could be more accurately replaced with I think.

People are often confused as to what is actually being requested, and furthermore, negative requests are likely to provoke resistance. Use positive language when making requests.

NVC suggests that our paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker. Questions may focus on these components: what others are observing: "Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week?"

Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.

Yes, it can be difficult to make clear requests. But think how hard it will be for others to respond to our request if we're not even clear what it is!

"What is it you are needing and what would you like to request from one another in relation to those needs?"

The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation.

Anger is generated when we choose the second option: whenever we are angry, we are finding fault--we are choosing to play God by judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving punishment. I would like to suggest that this is the cause of anger. Even if we are not initially conscious of it, the cause of anger is located in our own thinking.

In NVC-style conflict resolution, creating a connection between the people who are in conflict is the most important thing. This is what enables all the other steps of NVC to work, because it's not until you have forged that connection that each side will seek to know exactly what the other side is feeling and needing.

When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.

that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.

Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking.

Saying "thank you" in NVC: "This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met."

Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts.

"Remember when you said never to put your 'but' in the face of an angry person? I was all ready to start arguing with him; I was about to say, 'But I don't have a room!' when I remembered your joke.

Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.

A present language statement refers to what is wanted at this moment. For example, one party might say, "I'd like you to tell me if you would be willing to--" and describe the action they'd like the other party to take. The use of a present language request that begins with "Would you be willing to ..." helps foster a respectful discussion. If the other side answers that they are not willing, it invites the next step of understanding what prevents their willingness.

The two parts of NVC: 1. expressing honestly 2. receiving empathically

I can handle your telling me what I did or didn't do. And I can handle your interpretations, but please don't mix the two.