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We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don't comply.

To tell if it's a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. Let's look at two variations of a situation. Jack says to his friend Jane, "I'm lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me." Is that a request or a demand? The answer is that we don't know until we observe how Jack treats Jane if she doesn't comply. Suppose she replies, "Jack, I'm really tired. If you'd like some company, how about finding someone else to be with you this evening?" If Jack then remarks, "How typical of you to be so selfish!" his request was in fact a demand. Instead of empathizing with her need to rest, he has blamed her. It's a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.

People are often confused as to what is actually being requested, and furthermore, negative requests are likely to provoke resistance. Use positive language when making requests.

Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.