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Then, after pausing, ask solution-based questions or simply label their effect: "What about this doesn't work for you?" "What would you need to make it work?" "It seems like there's something here that bothers you." People have a need to say, "No." So don't just hope to hear it at some point; get them to say it early.

So I don't ask. Instead, I say, "In case you're worried about volunteering to role-play with me in front of the class, I want to tell you in advance ... it's going to be horrible." After the laughter dies down, I then say, "And those of you who do volunteer will probably get more out of this than anyone else."

But no matter how they end, labels almost always begin with roughly the same words: It seems like ... It sounds like ... It looks like ... Notice we said "It sounds like ..." and not "I'm hearing that ..." That's because the word "I" gets people's guard up. When you say "I," it says you're more interested in yourself than the other person, and it makes you take personal responsibility for the words that follow--and the offense they might cause.

Though the intensity may differ from person to person, you can be sure that everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives, you're in the door.

By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting. Psychologist Richard Wiseman created a study using waiters to identify what was the more effective method of creating a connection with strangers: mirroring or positive reinforcement.

Labeling is a way of validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it. Give someone's emotion a name and you show you identify with how that person feels.

The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need (monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise) and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want.

The last rule of labeling is silence. Once you've thrown out a label, be quiet and listen. We all have a tendency to expand on what we've said, to finish, "It seems like you like the way that shirt looks," with a specific question like "Where did you get it?" But a label's power is that it invites the other person to reveal himself.

When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist). It applies to the smile-er as much as to the smile-ee: a smile on your face, and in your voice, will increase your own mental agility.

It's almost laughably simple: for the FBI, a "mirror" is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. Of the entirety of the FBI's hostage negotiation skill set, mirroring is the closest one gets to a Jedi mind trick. Simple, and yet uncannily effective.